And Then We Grew Up

Then eternity, infinity doesn’t exist. Separation is not elusive but a corner away in the shadows.

There is something I realized today…

And then you grow up.

Could mean differently. In times when you see the narrow road.

And when you finally let go and look forward.

See, when we were young we feel and breath love differently. Ecstatic, possessive, elated kind of love. I think I like that. That sort of un-mediocre kind that sweeps you off your feet. What is this kind of love? I don’t know. But isn’t it the one when you get so angry you hate him but you suddenly looks into his smiling face and everything just fades away? Who knows. But if there’s one thing that this love creates, I think it’s eternity or the faith in it. Time stops and passes by unnoticed. And when you realized it’s gone, you too realize eternity is possible in seconds, in moments. And you could create endless eternities.

This love….

This love. It should never end. Right?

And then you grow up.

You get confused, you meet other guys or gals, you exist in a world beyond the two of you had. You discover dark pasts, seemingly unforgivable presents and bleak futures. You get jealous of others and you failed aimlessly at selflessness and empathy. Understanding miserably, not knowing and unconsciously being less confident of each other, more of yourself and your worth as a partner. Things get rough. Relationships given up on unprecedented assumptions and discretions. We became oblivious to our own love for we became conscious of our own desire to be happy. Where is the past, before this moment; that eternity that could seem to last? Happiness, memories and the desire to constantly stay in those memories blinds us.

And then you grow up.

Suddenly, love isn’t what it’s meant to be. Love isn’t what you think it was. Love hopelessly was in love as you bite the dust.

Everything is falling apart.

And then you grow up.

You realize the unfounded tears. You learn to fight for something you want. You don’t give up in your truth. You learn to let go. Of possession. Of eternity. Of loving love. You learn to trust. You learn to believe in distance, in time and in your capability to make it so. Most of all, you learn to be honest. Yesterday, you do not understand each other, you seem to love but get hurt all the time, you seem not to understand. How can we love someone we do not understand? How can we love someone that steals the words we long to say and makes us too afraid to say it?

Then you grew up.

And suddenly you see beyond the reaches of your eyes. Then you were braver enough to face him and tell what you really feel. Ah, I see. You were to be honest, and in the end, you both feel the same way. Then you understand. Then you let go of him but you keep him still. Go free and come back. But he never left.

Ah, I see. We grew up.

to the girl who couldn’t let go

here’s a poem to a girl I knew
Here’s a toast to the confusions that you can hardly let go.
be it beer, whiskey or scotch
here’s a cheer to your brilliant light.

and girl as your story is kept within your walls.
there’s a load of emotions waiting to crawl out
from the abyss of happiness, from the constraint of bitter pill
for the heart is full and the mouth could only speak one day
it’ll speak of love so full and new;
and when it does, let your courage grow.

here’s a story to a girl I knew.
do not stare too long along the walls,
do not keep wondering what could have been and
where it could be leading you.
You hold the future, the sweetness, the pain, the judgment.
ah, we’ll never know..
Unless we try.
Unless we try hard enough.
we never give up, right?

and at the end of our lives, awaits the story
we’ll pass beyond.
It may be a happy ending, it may not be.
But make your story beautiful. Make your story worth the while
let its message of love echoes among the mountains
and ripple the ocean waves; disturb the singing birds.
In the end let me say,
here is a story of a girl I knew.
Here is a story I would love to never let go.

Do Not Come When You Need Fixing

don’t come when you need fixing

don’t come when your heart is broken

and while it drowns in tears.

I am no angel. What about angels?

There are no wings that could make you soar

and fly you out of the darkness.

you have to give me up one day.

for I will leave you swimming in shadows of despair.

do not come when nails are not buried in your fractured bones

I am only a duck-taped pieces myself.

a walking hope of thin stitches.

My thread won’t hold your soul and head.

do not come when you need fixing.

I age with the moon, it appears and go every time and what’s left would be

the gravity and the grace that the tides obey.

I am a sunset.

I do not rise at all.

I look beyond and stare blankly at the edge of the world.

I am an otherness and careless selfish pride.

While I stumble in fear.

I cry for the times I was blind.

I wouldn’t see you.

You’d be left at the gutters.

I’d be rotting in hell.

And even the searchlights in the parking lots of hell

would not lead me all the way down.

Come though, for the midnight drinks,

the smoke and the music engorgement

of swollen indie songs and piano dreams.

like when violins cast a soulful melody I couldn’t understand.

Come though, for I have aspirins and xanax in my pockets.

we can gulp the atrocity

and face the ghosts.

Into the Desert

One surprisingly unexpected day, we were invited to see beyond the desert we thrive in. I mean living in the Middle East would always make you think of sands, and yes you’re right; but you’ve never experienced it if you do not go beyond the hot sun under the air-conditioned buildings.

 After almost a week of scattered rains (unusual actually that it lasted for a week) we got the chance to finally go at a nearby place where the good old Saudi Arabian mud houses haven’t completely washed out yet by modern civilization. So shades on and it’s hello sunlight!


 Sand Dunes

 The cliché of the desert: the dunes. And it’s still a good cliché. You may think walking barefoot would hurt your soles but not when we were there! Thanks to the weeklong rain showers! The sands felt soft and cool to the bare feet. Going up the was a fun ride since it’s slippery and wet; so the thrill of riding a car which will probably slip and fall down is an exciting idea that made us laugh (unless of course it actually happened). Thanks to our local Saudi driver who was ever brave or thrill sucker we arrived at the top end. Lo and behold! Think of sands that span everything your eyes could witness while the cool slightly humid winds blow your hair. Form the sands into mountains and hills and imagine walking at the narrow top while you could slip and roll at each edge anytime you lose enough balance and we’re on the same place. It was the greatest fun I had since living in this place.


The Rocky Plateau

 What come along the sands are rocks. Pile them up and make a long range plateau. First thing though: trudge the rocky walls before you reach the awesome top!

Going to this place was no easy road. Small rocks scatter all over the place making it a bumpy ride in the middle of nowhere-literally. My thoughts: 3G signal, check (got to post them on facebook right?); mobile signal, check. A person new on this path would never know his way. You got the rock and sand fields, no directions away from the highway road, no houses, only the mob of sleeping sheep that I realize are the slightly huge white “rocks” I saw from a distance. But no worries, we got a lot of gas to last a day, huge tires for this tire killer road and a local who know his way even with eyes closed (of course I never get to know that).



A Century Old Fault Line

 Flashback some hundred years ago and Saudi Arabia was hit by an earthquake. That was what our local company said. After surviving a missed dive directly into a maybe more than five meter edge (I take back when I said he can drive with eyes closed), we finally arrived at a perplexing view of cracked lands and black almost-felt-like- weightless stones spread around the area. Some were just narrow and distant longitudinal cracks while a few of them were huge enough that a person could fit into the seemingly cave faults which of course I did. A bonus find: a poisonous plant that bears what looked like an edible fruit and a thorny plant, said to be the same species used to crown Jesus Christ. I tried a soft prick on my finger and it was bloody painful I can tell.


The Mud Houses and a King’s Abode


One of my favourite finds in this place is the abandoned mud brick houses. Earth based houses are naturally insulated, warm on winters and cool on summers, a perfect house for a sadistic temperatures on both extremes. Only a few of the houses remains though but I’m glad I was able to simply witness it. On our way home, we also passed by a renovated old building where it was said that the king used to live there some hundred years ago (identity remains unknown to us though).