Ten Suicide Tips. A self translation inspired and excerpted from the book Ang Paboritong Libro Ni Judas (The Favorite Book of Judas) by Bob Ong.
1. A moment before slashing your throat, take a deep breath and reflect why are you committing suicide. Why? If the reasons include poverty like you’re the only poor person in the world, or that your lover left you like he/she’s the only person there is, then they don’t count as valid reasons for ending your life.. The world is full of people to love, many are hungry for love that they could use that precious one you have. Giving love enriches the soul more than you constantly seeking it. The measure that you used in giving shall be measured out to you in return. And you are better than being a dead meat, you are special, you are loved. Even dogs try their best to survive, how could we not? As for money and food, as much as how passing they are, they too can be found. Hard work will do you good. Suicide is only feasible for people with text mates and whose facebook and twitter timelines are outdated.
2. Now, if your enthusiasm to die pairs with a reason so arduous and true, your next step is choosing a method of dying. There are popular ways to die such as asphyxiation by hanging yourself, drinking rat poison or insecticide, jumping on railways, shooting your head (or your heart if you cannot take seeing the gun in front your skull) and slashing your pulse. Cheaper and out-of-style means may also include jumping off the first floor of a building (for those who have fear of heights),voluntary hit and run and stopping yourself from breathing (which I think is fairly accessible and attainable by all means). Remember though that you may still live after execution of this task and some may leave you ugly, dismantled and rotten so you have to choose the one that feels right for you. Practice may be an option, after all practice makes perfect. You wouldn’t really intend looking like a dehydrated fly inside the coffin, would you?
3. Write a suicide note. This is the exciting part. At this point, you can blame the world for your hate and lack of choice. You may say that suicide was never your intention, but the world irritates you that you cannot go on living with it. If you are an abused child you may add how your parents made you an abuser too as if you didn’t know what you were doing at an older age. That you didn’t have a choice at all. However, do not forget to apologize in the end (you may write it as P.S.) to stay cool in case your life inspires a filmmaker someday. More importantly, the suicide note lets everyone you left behind knows that it was a voluntary act of a consenting adult and not a murder case so as to prevent unnecessary investigations and the police suspecting drunkards on streets.
4. Choose a theme song. Make a special request on your note to play it at your funeral. Avoid those nasty and trash-talks. Choose meaningful songs by Lady Gaga or LMFAO. Remixes are optional.
5. Write your suicide note legibly. Print it and avoid erasures (it gives an impression that you are a confused man). Longhand writing also confuses old men so avoid it. Use a scented stationery and well sharpened pencil (words written by blunt ones are hard to read) then affix your signature with date. Do not use stickers with cartoon characters, it’s a bad example for children. Place the note where it can be seen immediately. Stick it on your forehead.
6. Choose your outfit well. You only die once so be at your best. Comfort and right fitting never go out of fashion but never forget to show your identity. Bring an extra pair in case you’re soak in sweat.
7. Purchase a durable casket. Choose the color well. White blends nicely with anything, cool and comfortable even on summer.
8. Find a good spot at the cemetery. Those who were born on the year of the Snake, Dragon, Rat, Pork and Beef should face the Fiesta Carnival otherwise, they should be cremated and used as foot powder to increase luck.
9. Schedule the funeral at the first two weeks of the month or the last two weeks of the month to bring in money and fortune.
10. Upon securing your NBI and police clearance, affidavit of loss, voter’s ID, Income tax return, promissory note, original copy of your birth certificate, drug test clearance and urine sample, you may now proceed to committing such remarkable act. Ensure that you will not appear on tabloids on the morrow together with news about three-headed horses, spotted mermaids at Manila bay-to attract fortune and money.
#justforfun
The Literary Nomad 