How to Write an Abstract (A Blow by Blow Account)

Musings of Madness #5

1. Some people never go crazy, what truly horrible lives they must lead.-Charles Bukowski

2. Have your back aching the entire time while typing in front of the computer (because there is no other way to type on a computer), so your co-author who coaches your editing would feel obliged to comfort your ridiculously every-three-second muscle spasm.

3. Have your co-author ready the abstract of your paper. Create a copy on your computer and let the program count the number of characters and words to achieve the quota. Pretend that you are thinking of ideas too.

4. Occasionally look into your phone for facebook chats.

5. By this time, your co-author should have been halfway through the construction of her sentence. Wait patiently.

6. It helps to open a dictionary app to widen your vocabulary aside from the word bitches. Highlight or place the cursor on the word you wish to restate, right click and choose synonyms. Find the word that suits your need.

7. Side track from the work at hand and let your co-authors order dinner, it is best to arrive at a consensus whether to include two huge sandwiches with a box of fried chicken. Wait patiently for the delivery.

8. Find a superior to proofread your abstract. If the first choice is on vacation, be courageous enough to face possible destructive criticism. Find your second proofreader at the medical ward of the hospital, probably at a VIP room. Give the printed copy of your abstract and insist on finishing it today. It would help that you bring an extra pen to provide his incapacity to bring one.

9. Number eight should have happened two items ago.

10. Do not believe everything the second proofreader has taught you. It is best to copy his edits and rethink of the best outcome. Do not show it again. You’ve gained enough advantage from him. Necessity and needed are the same. For christ’s sake let the old man rest. Your humanity is at question here.

11.  While in the middle of this intellectually draining ordeal, stop and decontaminate your hands. It is the single most important way to prevent the spread of infection. Your dinner has arrived.

12. Remember that the site will only allow 30 minutes of inactivity before it automatically logs out. Given that you have eaten fried chicken, fries and a huge sandwich, an hour or so had passed. Resuming your typing is futile. Click save. Error 404. Retype the entire biography after logging in. Serves you right. Do this patiently. Your Korean tour is at stake.

13. Finalize the submission. Take a selfie beforehand. It is the single most important activity before any secondary activity. Post on social media. Tag your co-authors.

14. 13 is an unlucky number. It is best to practice high level fortune obtaining strategy. Cross your fingers and wait for another two months for the result. Ready your surprised reaction. Be optimistic. The crazy world is on your side.

15. Contribute to madness.

How to Commit Suicide with Class (A Disintegrated Excerpt)

Ten Suicide Tips. A self translation  inspired and excerpted from the book Ang Paboritong Libro Ni Judas (The Favorite Book of Judas) by Bob Ong.

1. A moment before slashing your throat, take a deep breath and reflect why are you committing suicide. Why? If the reasons include poverty like you’re the only poor person in the world, or that your lover left you like he/she’s the only person there is, then they don’t count as valid reasons for ending your life.. The world is full of people to love, many are hungry for love that they could use that precious one you have. Giving love enriches the soul more than you constantly seeking it. The measure that you used in giving shall be measured out to you in return. And you are better than being a dead meat, you are special, you are loved. Even dogs try their best to survive, how could we not? As for money and food, as much as how passing they are, they too can be found. Hard work will do you good. Suicide is only feasible for people with text mates and whose facebook and twitter timelines are outdated.

2. Now, if your enthusiasm to die pairs with a reason so arduous and true, your next step is choosing a method of dying. There are popular ways to die such as asphyxiation by hanging yourself, drinking rat poison or insecticide, jumping on railways, shooting your head (or your heart if you cannot take seeing the gun in front your skull) and slashing your pulse. Cheaper and out-of-style means may also include jumping off the first floor of a building (for those who have fear of heights),voluntary hit and run and stopping yourself from breathing (which I think is fairly accessible and attainable by all means). Remember though that you may still live after execution of this task and some may leave you ugly, dismantled and rotten so you have to choose the one that feels right for you. Practice may be an option, after all practice makes perfect.  You wouldn’t really intend looking like a dehydrated fly inside the coffin, would you?

3. Write a suicide note. This is the exciting part. At this point, you can blame the world for your hate and lack of choice. You may say that suicide was never your intention, but the world irritates you that you cannot go on living with it. If you are an abused child you may add how your parents made you an abuser too as if you didn’t know what you were doing at an older age. That you didn’t have a choice at all. However, do not forget to apologize in the end (you may write it as P.S.) to stay cool in case your life inspires a filmmaker someday. More importantly, the suicide note lets everyone you left behind knows that it was a voluntary act of a consenting adult and not a murder case so as to prevent unnecessary investigations and the police suspecting drunkards on streets.

4. Choose a theme song. Make a special request on your note to play it at your funeral. Avoid those nasty and trash-talks. Choose  meaningful songs by Lady Gaga or LMFAO. Remixes are optional.

5. Write your suicide note legibly. Print it and avoid erasures (it gives an impression that you are a confused man). Longhand writing also confuses old men so avoid it. Use a scented stationery and well sharpened pencil (words written by blunt ones are hard to read) then affix your signature with date. Do not use stickers with cartoon characters, it’s a bad example for children. Place the note where it can be seen immediately. Stick it on your forehead.

6. Choose your outfit well. You only die once so be at your best. Comfort and right fitting never go out of fashion but never forget to show your identity. Bring an extra pair in case you’re soak in sweat.

7. Purchase a durable casket. Choose the color well. White blends nicely with anything, cool and comfortable even on summer.

8. Find a good spot at the cemetery. Those who were born on the year of the Snake, Dragon, Rat, Pork and Beef should  face the Fiesta Carnival otherwise, they should be cremated and used as foot powder to increase luck.

9. Schedule the funeral at the first two weeks of the month or the last two weeks of the month to bring in money and fortune.

10. Upon securing your NBI and police clearance, affidavit of loss, voter’s ID, Income tax return, promissory note, original copy of your birth certificate, drug test clearance and urine sample, you may now proceed to committing such remarkable act. Ensure that you will not appear on tabloids on the morrow together with news about three-headed horses, spotted mermaids at Manila bay-to attract fortune and money.

#justforfun

I’m Glad I Don’t Have Her as a Landlady!

Some may find those swear words being spoken by a little girl as horrible, but I think it’s just a part of the video having that really funny appeal. I don’t condone swearing, but I just love how they were able to make this video fit. She’s a great actress at such a young age! 🙂

 

I Think I Found A Great Way to Use my Mirror Now!

For a positive life….I’m going to do this every morning!!:)

Kiwi…Kiwi?

I got a random email from a friend and it definitely made my day!

I love Kiwi but seeing this…:-(